Comedy.com asked their loyal fans who they wanted to see get roasted and “Twilight” was one of the winners (as if these 5 Worst “Twilight Musical Parodies weren’t enough). As the person who had to research “Twilight” and write this roast, all I can say is, FU, loyal fans. Why do you hate me? (I’m not one of the 15 Worst Guys To Pee Next To At The Urinal.) “Twilight” is so obviously an adolescent fantasy, I’m surprised Stephanie Meyer didn’t publish it on her LiveJournal first. I’ve seen more mature narratives in letters to Santa. We’ve posted below our Top 10 Roast Jokes About “Twilight,” but we don’t want these to be the only “Twilight” jokes out there. We want YOU to sign with Facebook connect and comment with your funniest joke about film. We’ll send $50 to the writer of the best joke as picked by our team of comedy experts. Let’s get crackin’.
10. Let’s get the gay joke out of the way.
Although he’s a vampire, Edward Cullen doesn’t kill humans. I haven’t seen the movie, but I assume instead of people, he just bites pillows.
9. Hundred-year-olds shouldn’t be dating high-schoolers.
The “Twilight” saga is about two people in love who make it work, despite their 90 year age difference. Originally they cast Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
8. Isn’t there an organization that protests this kind of thing?
A hundred years ago, literature described them as savages, but in “Twilight” the Native Americans literally turn into bloodthirsty werewolves. They are werewolves who are too poor afford shirts. This new offensive stereotype is Stephanie Meyer’s most original story element.
7. What? Vampires already make Jesus angry.
In the last “Twilight” book, Edward knocks up Bella. Although she’s still young, she decides to keep the baby after they have trouble attaching a tiny wooden stake to the coat hanger.
6. Real vampires don’t sparkle.
Instead of bursting into flames, “Twilight” vampires sparkle in sunlight. It’s hard to take them seriously as creatures of the night if their defining characteristic is that they look like Lil Wayne’s icy grill. I’m surprised Meyer didn’t just go ahead and have them ride ponies and shoot body glitter out of their eyes.
5. It’s one of the highest grossing vampire film of all time.
The first “Twilight” movie grossed $35.7 million its first day, and it ended up making $383 million worldwide. “Twilight” has taken advantage of more dumb young girls than six spring breaks worth of “Girls Gone Wild” tapes combined.
4. Because every joke list needs a knock-knock joke.
How many “Twilight” vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They won’t screw anything until they marry it. (In “Twilight,” Edward and Bella don’t bone until they get married. In retrospect, I should have shared this information before the punchline. )
3. There are so many reasons people hate “Twilight.”
Our friends at GraphJam made this chart. Don’t try and dispute it. It’s math.
2. Have you seen the “Twilight” comic?
I remembered seeing this awhile ago, but I forgot where I found it. To track it down, I had to do the most embarrassing Google search of my life: “Twilight Vagina.”
1. Don’t buy this: Robert Panty-son.
Some women are so obsessed with Edward Cullen, they make panties with Robert Pattinson’s face on them. Can you imagine being with a girl, and pulling off her dress to find these? Most guys would rather find a penis or a delinquent tax notice.
2nd date=ruined.
Instead of underwear, why not just make a Robert Pattinson “vampire” maxi-pad for dark, edgy flow days? Get on it, Kotex.
If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy The 8 Funniest ‘Twilight’ Sequel Posters or this “Twilight” parody where Bella feels unwanted. If you didn’t enjoy this post and think you can do better, post your own joke below.
This post was written by Brendan. He apologizes.
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