A few days ago, one of our writers A.C. Efron, told us he was tired of hardcore porn, and wanted to start watching softcore, Cinemax-style porno. We have no idea why. But we gave him the task of watching a Cinemax movie and keeping a running diary of it. He chose the 2006 straight-to-video movie “Busty Models”… and here’s what he experienced.
0:00 The production company is called Mainline Releasing. We’re off to a good start.
0:18 It’s always a good sign when the first scene is just softcore sex. No setup. I’m optimistic about this movie.
0:56 My first thought on the bodies in this scene: Man that guy has good abs. My second thought: That chick has a lot of tattoos. Why did I think about the guy first? WHY?
1:57 Two writers? TWO? A softcore porno needs two people to make its script work? You think they have a macro set for the phrase “He puts his hand on her breast.” OK, April White and Edward Gorsuch, let’s see if you can bring it.
2:18 For a movie called “Busty Models” this actress has very, very regular looking breasts.
2:45 Oh no! The guy’s wife, Nina, just walked in… and she’s a cop. But even worse, neither one of them can act. So, I’m really not feeling the dramatic tension here.
3:33 She’s trying to cry, and it’s just not working.
3:48 It’s three girls standing around a rack of lingerie. I think I smell a “gratuitous trying-on-underwear montage” coming…
4:35 And, here it is!
4:50 Three nude women in and, so far, none of them could even remotely be called busty.
6:04 Uh oh! We have some kind of corporate scandal here. Appears a woman didn’t want to do “something” for this modeling agency and now a scary guy from the company is walking her to her car. Dramatic music swells, annnnnnnd he’s choking her to death with his tie.
8:45 We’re two minutes into a scene with two cops — the wife who got cheated on (Nina) and her dorky partner. And, he just told her he’s be happy to talk about “what a louse” her ex-husband is. April White and Edward Gorsuch’s script is not bringing the originality so far.
9:58 Plot! A special agent says the aforementioned modeling agency is involved in smuggling, and they’re using their models to do said smuggling. What they’re smuggling is “classified.” And the model who was killed a few minutes ago was a police informant.
10:37 Uh oh! They want to send Nina… who caught her husband cheating mere moments ago… in to the modeling agency undercover. Seems like this could really be a recipe for danger… with sexy results.
11:00 This Nina is really having quite a time. First her husband cheats, then she finds out she’s going undercover, now she’s at home and just started making out with her douchey partner. (Who we’ll call New Cop Boyfriend from now on.)
11:43 Looks like her bra was already unhooked. Well that should simplify things.
12:22 OK, she’s pretty busty. And also has a hideous tattoo on her wrist.
13:01 Wait… where did his pants go? I never saw those come off.
13:03 Note to self: Stop commenting on the men and their nudity.
13:48 My roommate just walked in and asked if I was watching porn. “It’s for work, I swear,” I told him, “Plus it’s softcore.” He did not believe me. I guess that’s my fault for doing this running diary pantsless.
17:24 It looks like they’re about to have to give Nina “Miss Congeniality” treatment to get her ready to go into the modeling agency. I prefer nude lingerie montages to makeover montages.
19:39 Now there’s a montage where Special Agent is taking “modeling photos” of Nina so she can put together her “book.” This scenario feels realistic.
21:29 And… now she’s topless.
22:47 Back at the modeling agency, the two girls from the nude lingerie montage are on a couch talking to each other. I got a feeling we’re on a collision course to some recreational lesbianism.
23:00 Yep.
23:15 Let’s call them Brown Haired Sometimes Lesbian, or BrSL, and Blonde Haired Sometimes Lesbian, or BlSL. From what I can tell, BrSL is the nice one, BlSL is the bitchy one.
27:48 I think the woman who plays the head of the modeling agency is the one who played Sarah Palin in Hustler’s “Nailin’ Palin”… checked it out and yep, it is. Lisa Ann. Anyway, she just gave Nina a hard time and told her they’d call if they had work for her.
31:30 Big drama brewing. Special Agent is mad because Nina told New Cop Boyfriend about her undercover assignment. All three are now mad at each other. I know this by their overacted hand flings of exasperation. Can we get back to a sex scene?
33:00 Nina’s been called in to do a job for the modeling agency! Plot movement!
33:51 Sarah Palin (who is busty) is about to get it on. The guy is the one who murdered the informant (let’s call him Murderer Guy). But don’t worry, Sarah Palin’s not in danger… she knows all about the murder. In fact, it appears she’s the evil criminal mastermind.
42:50 So much filler here. A little tension between Nina and the two sometimes-lesbian models killed a few minutes. So did a non-nude modeling shoot. Now Nina’s bonding with BrSL and asking questions about the model who was murdered. I’m losing focus. Even though they’re doing this scene topless, I’m bored. We’ve seen their breasts already. Repeat breasts really don’t hold a viewer’s attention.
46:21 Now we’ve got a sex scene pending with BrSL and the Photographer from the photo shoot… AND with Nina and Special Agent. Uh oh. That’s sure going to complicate things.
47:33 Nina just tried to seduce him and he rejected her. Good thing, too… because New Cop Boyfriend was watching from outside.
48:00 Oh, never mind, he misinterpreted it as Nina and Special Agent having sex. Something bad’s going to go down. Right around the climax, I’m guessing. (And by climax I mean the “dramatic” peak of this film, not when these softcore porn actors fake orgasms.)
49:49 Murderer Guy just snuck into the room to take pictures of the sometimes-lesbian and photographer having sex. This is important (I’m guessing) because right before they started having sex, BrSL said that the rule is: The models are never supposed to have sex with photographers. Gotta be honest here: As much as I’d like to think I’m five steps ahead of this softcore porn, I’m not exactly sure how that plot wrinkle is going to factor in later. I’ve temporarily been outsmarted by a movie called “Busty Models”. (Time to go write that on FMyLife.)
52:30 So Nina is starting to put some pieces together. She knows that Sarah Palin sends girls out to private parties and, Nina believes, that’s where these unnamed smuggling transactions take place. But the girls don’t know they’re doing the smuggling. Special Agent told Nina she NEEDS to get invited to one of the parties. More danger… and more sexy results… pending.
55:24 Yet another photo shoot. No nudity. More time wasted. They could’ve just made this movie 57 minutes or something… all this padding is brutal. It’s quite possible that, right now, I’m watching a scene that every other “Busty Models” viewer in history has fast-forwarded through. I’m like the Magellan of this scene.
56:59 Nina just asked Sarah Palin if she could work a private party. That made Sarah Palin suspicious, so she’s asked Murderer Guy to find out a little bit more about her…
57:21 Murderer Guy just showed Sarah Palin the sex photos he secretly took last night. And I STILL haven’t figured out how that’s going to be plot relevant.
58:00 OK, Palin is confronting BrSLs about the photos. Hmm. I see. So now Palin is sending BrSL to a private party to “earn back her trust.”
58:41 Gratuitous Nina shower scene? Ken Burns’s “Baseball” documentary didn’t have this much unnecessary filler, and that was 240 hours long.
59:20 I stand corrected! While she’s in the shower Murderer Guy is breaking into her house. She can’t hear because of the shower. Now, we know Special Agent has been keeping an eye on the house, as has New Cop Boyfriend. Something is about to go down.
1:00:10 Special Agent just arrived with pizza (at the backdoor, but somehow rang the bell?) Murderer Guy is hiding. The music is incredibly ominous.
1:01:24 Murderer Guy just snuck out undetected. That’s unlucky for him… if he’d listened in, he could’ve heard Nina and Special Agent talking about their undercover plans.
1:02:21 At the private party, turns out it’s just BrSL and BlSL getting it on in front of a creepy rich dude.
1:05:16 After three minutes of the Sometimes Lesbians doing some kissing and touching, the Creepy Rich Dude touched BrSL, making her run away ashamed. BlSL has now stepped in to get it on with him.
1:05:48 Creepy Rich Dude is now performing oral (or, at least, as much as they can show that in softcore) on BlSL. Come on, guy! As the great Adam Carolla once said, “Going down on a hooker is like getting a rental car detailed.”
1:07:37 Creepy Rich Dude just slipped BlSL a CD. That’s not a euphemism, by the way.
1:08:21 BlSL just gave Sarah Palin the CD. And now Murderer is going to deliver that CD “to the same place as the others.” More plot! More plot!
1:11:31 Holy crap, this is boring. Anyway, to catch you up, here’s what happened. BrSL is mad because Sarah Palin fired the Photographer. Nina confronted Palin about this, with zero results. Now BrSL is going to blow off the shoot to go see the Photographer and apologize, because she got him fired by not being able to keep it in her pants. By “it” I guess I mean labia. That phrase really only works when you’re talking about a guy.
1:15:00 Nina finally, successfully seduced Special Agent. She made him promise it wouldn’t compromise their special investigation. And…. sex scene!
1:15:30 Because she’d just gotten out of the tub, they had this exchange:
Special Agent: You’re all wet.
Nina: Haha, so are you!
Is it just me, or did they get confused about who should say which line? That’s not sexy/funny/logical at all.
1:20:25 Murderer just clubbed Photographer, because BrSL had told him about the secret private parties.
1:20:50 Now, New Cop Boyfriend is at the modeling agency, investigating the attack. Uh oh. He’s about to be alone with Nina.
1:22:05 He’s mad at her. He’s worried about her. She just told him that when this is over, they’ll be back to normal… conveniently leaving out the detail about how she seduced and rodgered Special Agent.
1:24:51 Nina and the Special Agent just got into a fight. He called her inexperienced. She said “Not too inexperienced to shake my ass for you between the sheets.” This made him storm out.
1:25:25 BrSL just told Nina about the CD. You can see the wheels turning in Nina’s head. Or, at least, you could, if her head wasn’t shielded by 500 pounds of makeup.
1:28:47 Nina and BlSL are getting sent to a party tonight at Creepy Rich Dude’s house by Sarah Palin. Oh man oh man, it’s about to go down. Nina told Special Agent, so he’s going to follow and make sure she’s OK there.
1:31:42 Nina’s at Creepy Rich Dude’s house now, along with BlSL. BlSL is going at it with Creepy Rich Dude, so Nina’s going to seize this opportunity to search his computer. Also, on a perverted side note, this has been a brutally redundant softcore porn. It’s the same few girls over and over and over again. They couldn’t pay some other desperate actress like $500 to show up on set for a few hours and pretend to have sex?
1:36:10 Uh oh! Murderer just caught Nina trying to sneak out, WITH a CD of files she burned from Creepy Rich Dude’s computer. She elbowed him and is now escaping, running very, very slowly in heels. Murderer is calling Sarah Palin to tell her.
1:37:23 So Nina just arrested Sarah Palin. What the hell? The climactic moment was Nina elbowing the Murderer? What a disaster.
1:37:56 Now Nina is trying to reconcile with New Cop Boyfriend. She’s going back to her old life as a patrol cop… and he’s more than willing to take her back, too.
1:38:48 Credits. THAT’S IT?!? They never even said what was being smuggled, just “classified” information. I know I shouldn’t have expected much, but that movie failed on both the sexy AND the plot levels. Well, at least it has a production assistant named Artemis J. Hungermuffin.
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Posted by A.C. Efron, who is also busty.
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