Comedy.com has already recast “Cheers” and “Night Court” and a bunch of other comedies, but this time we’re going bigger. And we’re doing something that’s sure to piss off “Star Wars” fans as much as all three prequels combined. They’ll definitely be praying at the church of “Star Wars” after this. We’re going to recast the original trilogy. ”I have a bad feeling about this…” So buckle in, nerds and get your snarky comment shoes on. Here is Recasting Original “Star Wars” Trilogy. May the force be with you.
Luke Skywalker
Luke Skywalker starts off as a douchey twerp farm kid, but he has to mature into the guy who (SPOILER ALERT!) blows up the Death Star, becomes a Jedi and saves the galaxy. Our choice: Emile Hirsch. We can picture all the fan boys at home collectively groaning, but Hamill was 25 when he first played young Skywalker and Hirsch (who is 24) was good enough to get cast as Hamlet and starred in “Speed Racer” last year. Your fan boy boner wants an alpha male like Chris Pine, but you know Luke was never that guy. Can you picture the new Captain Kirk whining about going to the Tosche Station to pick up some power converters? No. Hirsch would nail that.
Han Solo
To play Han Solo, you have to be a badass who can pull off being a smuggler and a mercenary, but you also have to be charming. Crap, we just described our man crush on young Harrison Ford, didn’t we? Our choice: Christian Bale. Ford was 35 when he shot Greedo first, and Bale is also 35. If he can pull of being Batman and John Connor, he could pull off Han Solo. A few DPs would have to run for cover, but Harrison Ford wasn’t exactly a saint on the set of the original movie either.
Princess Leia
The Princess of Alderaan was originally played by a 20-year-old Carrie Fisher in 1977. She’s spunky, but she has to appear royal and eventually look good in one of Jaba the Hutt’s slave costumes. Our choice: Keira Knightley. Knightley is 24 and always seems to be playing some sort of old timey royalty in movies. Please try to get over the fact that she played a decoy to Natalie Portman in “The Phantom Menace.” That only means that she looks like she could be Leia’s mom. The only real problem is that Carrie Fisher had to go to a fat farm to play Leia and Keira Knightley would probably have to do the opposite of that. Picture her in a slave outfit. Now come back after you’ve rubbed one out.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
There are about three actors who could pull off playing a great Jedi master as well as Alec Guinness did. Our choice: Ian McKellen. This is probably the only choice nerds won’t disagree with too much. Yeah, Guinness was only 63 when he first played Old Ben Kenobi, but when you’re 63, you might as well be 70. McKellen (who’s already played Galdalf and Magneto) is 70. They would just have to talk him out of using a pink lightsaber.
The Voice of Darth Vader
If you had to replace James Earl Jones… if you HAD to…. you need the next best cool black guy voice. Our choice: Keith David. Who’s that? If you’ve seen a Ken Burns documentary in the past 10 years, you’ve probably heard David’s deep voice. He was also the stepfather to Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary.” You want to hate this one, but if you Google him, you’ll know we’re right. He’ll open a can of whoop ass on you.
Lando Calrissian
It takes a real smooth brother to be in charge of Cloud City. Our choice: Blair Underwood. Billy Dee Williams was 43 when he first played Lando in “The Empire Strikes Back” and Underwood is currently 45. He’s already Billy Dee Lite, but we’re sure he could turn up the schmooze, grow a sweet fro, drink a Colt 45 and transform himself into the coolest city administrator in movie history. We were going to pick that famous guy from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”… but we don’t think Alfonso Ribeiro still does stuff. Although, we will always love his Carlton dance.
Recasting is our favorite thing! Check out our recasting of “Caddyshack,” and we recast “Trading Places.” We’re getting better day by day. Someday Harrison Ford will return our calls.
Posted by Mike Bridenstine, who would be a great Princess Leia.
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